Seriously, I cant take the bullcrap anymore. YES IM DATING SIERRA, I am NOT FUCKING CHEATING ON HER!!! I cant believe that there are actually people who I saw as friends who seem to just LOOOOOVE to get a kick out of making me miserable like all hell. Yeah I know I fucked up alot of reationships in the past and Im FAAAARRRRR from a good boyfriend to have, ask alot of my friends. Yes im a fucking arrogant asshole. Yes I can be bipolar. Yes I know it may seem like I push people away but alot of you dont get why I do...... I dont want too many people getting close to me because if I lose those people I dunno what Id do......Ive already lost so much and to be truthful......and not to sound cliche but Sierra is just about the best thing thats happened to me in a long time.....I am completely the most misunderstood person, you say you cant hold a grudge but of course when I do something bad, you never forget. Ive been hurt so much im almost immune to it, completely numb. So before you go and judge me or whatever look at yoursef, maybe even compare me and you. You probably didnt pull a trigger on someone. You probably didnt have your best friend die in your arms at the age of 7 or 8. You probably dont have to carry a burden of not being able to see that friend's gravesite because its hidden and you cant say sorry. You probaby have alot less stress on your back than others. You probably didnt have your own father or mother walk out on you as a kid and make you feel like it was your fault. You probably didnt sit there for hours on end dying slowly inside and watch as everyone left you and very few remained. If I say I care about you I do, If I say I love you I do, if I say you are my friend I mean it. I just wish people would get off my back and quit telling me "You arent yourself" when in reality no one even knows me, I barey know myself......Instead of complaining about how I change just think "Hey atleast hes alive" if you really are what you say you are, my friend. Im tired like all hell of being backstabbed. If I could summarize what youd have to do to be close to feeling like me here it is:

Rip your heart out of your chest and tear it to pieces. Put a knife in your back,blindfolds over your eyes and tape over your mouth. Blood covers your hands as you point a gun to your head and slowly pull that trigger, but the clip is sadly empty. Voices of all the people who said "I hate you" block out those that said "I love you". You have no shadow, no reflection, no state of emotion, only pain.

So please just try to understand; Im sick okay, when my time runs out it could be any day, any time, maybe even after I write this who knows, I just hope its not anytime soon at all. I DONT want to DIE, I DONT want to LIVE ALONE. I just wanna be as close to happy as I can get.....and yet dont we all.....